Mothers have an instinct right? I don’t care how big or how strong the niggle you get is or how tightly your stomach twists but we all know it exists when you become a mother. We just know things. I’m sorry Dads its not that we try to know it all we cant help it, we just do. Sometimes we might not know what it is and others you have a fair idea but we always get that feeling.
A week before Christmas Nathanael our then 9 month old woke with a screech at 5am. It wasn’t like him at all but every baby will have bad nights/early mornings at some stage. Its only natural.
I did what I usually do in these times, my favourite sleep dazed trick of jumping into his cot and pulling his covers over both of us. These are the best snuggles. I started to rub in circular motions around his tummy wondering if he had wind. That’s when I felt it.
Two distinct lumps about an inch long each and a few centimetres apart.
My heart started to beat at a hundred miles per hour. I checked and checked, am I dreaming this? No definitely not I can feel that. Is that normal? I wasn’t sure.
I rushed into Paul but when we tried to feel around for them it had disappeared. We laughed thinking at 5 am I had gone slightly crazy but I just couldn’t get it out of my head.
I started to agonise looking at his stomach. Anyone who knows Nate is aware he is a tubby little baby with a good solid pot belly. After all Pork chop was his nickname because of all those piggy rolls. He’s just a good healthy boy I kept telling myself. I was proud of that chub he was exclusively breastfeed and I was a strict Annabel Karmel baby weaner, so I took pride in taking the credit for helping those rolls appear.
I still had that little stomach twist when I thought of it so I decided that if I still didn’t feel happy I would take him to the doctors in the new year. In the meantime I would try to let it rest and stopped asking anyone who would pay attention if they thought his belly was getting bigger?, Did I feed him too much? Or was he just naturally this shape?.
Coffee, Crayons and Cancer 
As a mother of a child who got diagnosed with Leukaemia aged 3, it is heart breaking. I understand that fear, you feel sick, your stomach in knots, but you just know when something is wrong. I don’t remember my 30’s much, I just remember hospitals, pain, no sleep, suffering, sickness, heartache watching your baby go through chemo,radiotherapy, blood and blatelet transfusions and everything else. But God in his grace brought my son and my family through those dark days. My son is a handsome, strong 23 year old, trusting in his God and saviour Jesus Christ in whatever God has planned for his life. Prayers and love to you all.😘🙏
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Rhonda thank you for taking time to reply to my post. These are most definitely the darkest days, it really helps to hear from someone who has had a happy ending at the other end. Our days are filled with so much worry and uncertainty, time is moving but I feel like we have stood still since his diagnoses. It helps to be surrounded by people like yourself who know of the heartache and the pain. xxx
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I have been introduced to your blog this week as my husband and I have just found out that our little 8month old baby girl also has a Wilms tumour. She has been in hospital since last Tuesday and started her first batch of chemo yesterday. I have felt so lost, beaten down, overwhelmed and almost like a robot going through an unknown process. Reading your blog and seeing your gorgeous boy has shown me that we are not alone in this either. Thank you for sharing your journey, you have no idea what reading this has done for me this week. I hope your little boy continues to be brave and fights his way through this.
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Hi Wendy, I was devastated to hear that. I think your mother in laws sister knows my husband. How is your little girl doing and how are you coping? I’m so glad my blog is helping you in some way. I felt like I had nothing at the start and no idea of how we would get through it but we have got to a better place now. Please contact me anytime if you just fancy a chat, everyones story is so different but we are all fighting the same battle xxx
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Hello mommy!
My baby was always chubby…I didnt realize his belly was big till we came to hospital and the doctor said: where have you been?? This is huge….
2 days before my father palpated his stomach ( he is doctor of internal medicine) and noticed 2giant masses… My mother ( who is a radiologist) did ultrasound right away and noticed both kidney multiple times enlarged but didnt know what was the diagnosis…
5 days after we recieved our first chemo. Although they thought it was wilms at first, we were diagnosed with bilateral nephroblastomatosis- which is precursor to wilms tumor. We are now at the end of the protocol with clear scans ( only 2 scars on kidneys).
Talking bout instincts- I have never thought something was wrong with his belly…so I felt so bad- why have my instincts let me down?
Hold on mommy… Your baby will be ok soon…
I will keep reading your blog!
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Hi Doria!
Thank you for getting in touch and reading our blog. I am delighted to hear your little one is at the end of treatment. I often wonder when will we get there and it’s so encouraging to hear that you are. How is your baby doing? Nathanael actually has been diagnosed with clear cell sarcoma of the kidney, I haven’t quite got that far in the blog. He is doing well but I feel a dark cloud hangs heavily on top of us.
You sound like you are living with the experts, I settle myself with the fact that my instincts started to realise that something wasn’t right but I’m sure a medical professional could have spotted it long before my instincts. I live with that daily but I have to be positive that I done everything I could when I did. I hope what I wrote hasn’t offended you. Your instincts didn’t let you down, you are blessed to have amazing grandparents who know what they are doing. Xxx
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